The butterfly is cracking the cocoon

I am a “cocoon writer” and I believe that the butterfly within me is starting to crack this cocoon and will spread its wings wide and free.

Why do I say I am a “cocoon writer”? Well because even though I was raised with the notion that the two sides of my brain where important and they where developed more or less at the same pace, there was a hanging knife over my head that dictated that I either went with the left side or I was to succumb to anonymity. So, I went the scientific way, got degree in Engineering, started working with a very business-sense mind and decided to lock my creations in a box (literally I did put all my writings in a box). But of course when you have a calling there is no box, safe or lock that can keep it from arising, it is there latent and living within you, waiting for that perfect moment to come to the center of your life. As my mom says – and my Mom is a wise woman – things happen when they have too, I truly believe this urge to write did not happen sooner because I needed all that first hand experience to be able to write with all these emotions on hand.

Of course there where some signs of cracking some years ago, when an illusion of a relationship woke up the fire of romance in my hands and I decided to write all that was going on between my chest and my mind. It was a beautiful exercise and when I recall that time, when the music I listened and that inspired me hits the play in the iPod, I feel the same fire running through my arms, that fire that starts in my chest and just passes like a wave – sometimes like a tsunami – through every fiber of my body. But I boxed it, even this burning emotion was put away,  I unlocked the safe and I just filled it with more illusions and put the big lock back again. Locked. Safe. Put away.

Maybe it was the stubborn focus of the life I had to follow or the series of heart breaking moments, but I did not try to crack the cocoon again until much later. It was a writing workshop that brought my focus again to this feeling, Monday nights suddenly became the highlight of my week, I felt so inspired again to write something I could share, enjoy the writings of my fellow mates and with every sip of the forbidden red wine we brought in disguise, I felt a crack sound somewhere within me.

And then came Canada, the land of sweet Maple dreams and the reality of a life in color, the dark veil that was depriving my eyes from the real shine of day was taken off and the cocoon saw a new crack, and with this crack came light and air and the tiny butterfly inside started to unroll its first wing. I just sat and wrote, and expressed, and laughed. I discovered the blogsphere and saw with delight how wonderful it was to tell my stories to all my friends and family far away, how my tales hit the same nerve, produced a twin tear or multiplied my smile. I wrote and for the first time I enjoyed what I read, and I enjoyed it even days and weeks later. Of course all the writings where in Spanish, because even though I was an English speaker first, Spanish was my language of life for many years. Silly me to think that I was never to find inspiration in English. It was not the language that was keeping my wings rolled, it was my own fears.

I had to learn that I was stronger than I thought I was in order to be able to really crack that cocoon and spread these wings. It took a divorce, a lost dream, frustration and an ambivalent career to make me realize that it is this what I want to do.

So, this is the first flight of these new wings. The cocoon is now in the box where the writings where as a reminder of my journey and as a very intense source of inspiration.

Stay tuned!